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Quit.pain
This Booklet is a selection of my phone notes while I was living in Montral on April/June 2018.
-19 pages
Canada brought me an awereness of end, not with the focus on loss and sadness, but the understanding of those dark-hard-days as a process of empting out expectations. Loss as a force that open space for a new that is completely unprecedent and untainable.
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Two more.
This two text I wrote just prior my trip to Canada, they feel as an important part of the mind set I was finding myself on at the beginning of 2018.
2.
I'm in a place no one can find.
A train between Berlin and Warsaw.
Traveling through the whiteness of winter,
I have no idea if my journey already started.
I promise myself to treat me better.
It might be another promises I break.
1.
I woke up,
Nothing on the fridge,
Was cold outside but
I walked to the grocery store,
Is early, there isn’t so many people outside
Who goes out at 8:00 am on a freezing Sunday?
Me,
I had to celebrate.
I tend to love preparing breakfast,
But I only do once I have company,
This time I was alone, but I had to celebrate.
Back home, I boiled the perfect eggs,
I eat all the food, as someone that had never eaten before,
Eagerly but patiently, enjoying each texture, each taste.
I was happy to be touching all this materials,
Perceiving all the light, temperature, taste, smell…
I was rediscovering the extensions of my body,
The egg, the bread, the avocado,, the nuts, tomato, coffee….
I had to celebrate.
Why?
Because of a dream.
I dreamed I was in the ocean. I dived,
My body got paralysed. I could see the surface above me,
Was almost at my reach, but I couldn’t swim,
I try to breathe, I inhaled salty water,
I wasn't desperate, but I knew I was out of breath,
The water felt slightly painful in my lungs.
I try to breathe again,
I was very close to the surface, but I could not move a finger.
I inhale more salty water.
I wasn't really fighting, there was nothing to fight against.
The ocean was calm, so was I.
When I thought I was fading this existence,
I woke up in this body, in my bed…
For a few minutes I couldn’t understand why,
and why I wasn't wet.
Was as if I was just living because I realise I was dreaming,
The ocean, the salt in my lungs where an illusion.
I felt that if I would had grasped in that illusion,
I would had died while sleeping.
The surface of the ocean was my blanket.
I felt happy for being in this materiality.
Breakfast felt right.
Quit.pain
Tim Hortons
I sit at Tim Hortons, with my coffee and a closed paper box with six doughnuts.
I look around and take a deep breath:
Either I soak all the sadness and melancholy of this place; either the goodness and shelter that lingers around its corners or simply become aware of its different dimensions, realising that a single moment overtakes simultaneously all experiences and existences, in indivisible complex beauty...
What I realise was a choice towards total wonder inside of a franchise open to anyone willing to come in, in this grey rainy morning on a busy traffic junction at Montreal.
Un-manifested state.
What the details you are concern, really talks about?
rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind rigidity of mind
Information through the fabric of information.
Those details we still are concern about...
Once I heard God is on the details.
I dislike this God.
Not the one of details, the one of obsessions.
If you start tell
your life in text,
you’ll see
life is poetry.
I know someone
With a frozen
Shoulder.
I have a frozen
Bank account.
Information
Lingers everywhere,
This might be
What Nietzche
Called
“Eternal Recurrence”
There’s rain
On the landscape
There’s rain
On me.
Reciprocate vibration
I’m with Thursday.